[x]
All Deviations
All Deviations




“Oh!” Justice jumped, spilling the two hundred year-old cabernet all over his ratty clothes. “Y’know what we got here, fellas?”

The other two looked at him. He was grinning like a fool, strings of diamonds draped over his neck and clothes dark with the wine.

“We done confiscated the king’s music box!”

“Music box?” Burgess arched a brow.

“Saw it on the Web-waves.” Reaching a grubby hand out, Justice touched the glass. “It’s old. Worth millions, I reckon.”

Citizen ran a hand over his chin. The rings on his fingers glistened. “Worth more than the crown jewels themselves?”

“Not sure, but it’s worth lots. And hell, anything’ll help the rev’lution.” Justice nudged Burgess with a knowing elbow. “Eh?”

But Burgess was staring into the dome. There was a boy inside, sitting on a small patch of marble. A violin lay beside him. The child’s eyes held such sadness, it hurt to look at him. “How old you say?” He asked absently.

“Well, from the twenty-third cent’ry at least.” Justice was nodding. “They made ‘im look older though. Costume and all,” he pointed to the elaborate waistcoat, the lace at the boy’s neck and sleeves.

Citizen leaned forward eagerly, a hungry expression on his face. “Don’t suppose we could take a listen . . .”

“Don’t see why not.” Justice shrugged. He stepped forward and gave the gilded base a kick. “Come on now, play you bloody thing.”

The boy got slowly to his feet. He tucked the violin beneath his chin and raised its bow in his hand. He began to play.

At first they heard nothing. Then, gradually, they began to notice a low rumbling. The air filled with a sound, the most delicate thing imaginable. The men stood staring in awe, listening.

“How’s it work?” Citizen whispered.

“He’s makin’ the glass vibrate from inside . . .” Justice whispered back. “That’s what we’re hearin’. Like a bell or somethin’.”

“It’s beautiful.”

But Burgess was weeping, big fat tears rolling silently down his cheeks. He couldn’t bear it. Taking up the bar they’d used to pry the box’s case open, he swung it at the dome.

There was an explosive clatter. Shards of glass shot everywhere. Justice and Citizen stood there, mouths agape. “What’d you do?!”

The boy stared too, then dropped to the ground. Burgess went to him, held him up, watched as he began to age rapidly before their eyes. The skin of his face crinkled like old paper. But he was smiling, the violin still clasped in his shriveled hand. “Merci,” he whispered. “Merci.”
Details
Submitted: June 26
File Size: 3.0 KB
Image Size: 10.3 KB
Resolution: 300×148
Comments: 6
Favourites & Collections: 2 [who?]

Views
Total: 55
Today: 0

Downloads
Total: 0
Today: 0

Thumb

Author's Comments

Published April 17, 2008, by 365Tomorrows.com: [link] :w00t!:
[x]

Devious Comments

love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0

!misterfuzzy:iconmisterfuzzy: Jun 27, 2008, 2:41:06 PM
i like it like everything else u write ^^

--
98% of all teenagers are bad at math. If you're one of the 5% who are good at it, paste this into your signature.
---
98% of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% that hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
=Unaccompanied-me:iconUnaccompanied-me: Jun 28, 2008, 10:38:45 PM
That was really excellent, it both calls to mind the theme of beauty reaching even the greediest and cruellest of souls, and hints that history repeats itself. Really cool, French revolution kind of thing, correct? I had to read it about five times to catch every nuance.

It also begs several questions about the boy, and about art. Did he say thank you because he finally got a chance to play for someone, or because he was freed from having to? The whole piece is very thought provoking, rather like a Hemmingway story. He's one of my favorites, by the way, in the short story department, so that's definitely a compliment.

Your sense of exposition is exactly what I'd look for in a piece. It tells just enough, and elegantly so.

There are some slight details that I would tighten up and fix, for example, for some reason I'm not such a fan of the phrase "Soul-shattering clatter"... something about the rhyme and the rhythm didn't work for me there. But most of these are infinitesimal details like that... although in a piece this short, that can make a difference.

Overall, very beautiful, thought provoking, and solid all the way through. :+fav:

--
I'm no expert, so take the above with a grain of salt.


~writeaway*PoetryPlease*The-Literati~The-Last-Stanza
~jamberry-song:iconjamberry-song: Jun 28, 2008, 11:24:24 PM
Hey! Thanks for the comment and favourite. :) I think you're absolutely right about that - in a piece this short, it does matter, and why use a cliche at this point? lol I have to go through one evening and make many edits to things in my gallery, so I shall put this on that list as well. Thank you for the very helpful suggestion! :)

--
~jamberry-song - words and whispers, the poet's eye on the universe.
*jamberry - elves, knights and nature, the artist's half of the brain.
~jamberry-song:iconjamberry-song: Jun 28, 2008, 11:31:24 PM
Oh, yes... yes, the French Revolution! Awesome, makes me very happy you picked that out. :D

--
~jamberry-song - words and whispers, the poet's eye on the universe.
*jamberry - elves, knights and nature, the artist's half of the brain.
=Unaccompanied-me:iconUnaccompanied-me: Jun 29, 2008, 9:57:21 AM
You could tell that it was like a power-hungry proletariat fighting against an aristocracy... and the Merci at the end set the country. Very subtle of you; I really llked that.

--
I'm no expert, so take the above with a grain of salt.


~writeaway*PoetryPlease*The-Literati~The-Last-Stanza
=Unaccompanied-me:iconUnaccompanied-me: Jun 29, 2008, 10:01:36 AM
No problem, it just jumped out the tiniest bit. Very lovely piece.

--
I'm no expert, so take the above with a grain of salt.


~writeaway*PoetryPlease*The-Literati~The-Last-Stanza